Dating Coach: Why men are turned off by drama

Published Feb 8, 2013 at 04:00AM

Dear Lisa: Why are men so quick to want a relationship with you if they like you?

— Ellen

A man has this ability to see the woman he thinks is right for him, and once he finds her, he goes after her. Men don’t analyze like we do. It’s very black and white for a man and if, in his mind, you are the one he wants to be with, he’s going to pursue you.

You see, a man’s only emotional connection in his life is with a woman. Think about it, men talk sports — not feelings — with other men. Men not only miss an emotional connection with a woman after a relationship has ended, they yearn for it and need it in their lives again.

So when a man finds a woman he thinks he can emotionally connect with, he will pursue her in the hopes of having that missing piece come back into his life once again.

Dear Lisa: When looking at men’s profiles online, I often see them write something similar to: “I don’t do drama well so be sure you are able to move on from your past relationships.” When I see this, it suggests to me that those who include that are not emotionally intelligent and may tend to be conflict avoiders. I also think it’s highly unrealistic for guys 50 and over to expect that the women they will meet now should not have any unresolved pain or need to talk about what went wrong in their marriages. What do you think, Lisa? Is this a red flag?

— Nancy

Let’s start by identifying what drama means to a man, and this will help answer some of your concerns. In a man’s mind, the drama a woman brings to the table means she is constantly talking about her past and problems with her ex, her children or her friends.

From time to time, most of us have some amount of residual drama with an ex, but when an entire first or second date is devoted to a woman’s issues with her world, it turns a man off. Why?

Because a man feels he has to fix your problems. It is literally in his DNA to help you as a “damsel in distress.” Yet, deep down, he knows when it comes to exes, he can’t fix this for you.

So he thinks this is going to set him up as a failure in your eyes — before anything even can get started between the two of you. You, on the other hand, might be bringing him your “drama” to get a man’s perspective on the situation. But as you can see, he doesn’t view it the same way you do.

It’s always good to make sure the majority of issues in your life are cleaned up before you start dating. When something comes up that is troubling you, call a friend or your sister to help you work it out.

If you are in a relationship with a good man and issues with your world come up, he will be there to support you and help you find solutions to fix what’s wrong. But in the world of first, second and third dates, it’s better to go elsewhere for advice on what’s troubling you.

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