Hi Lisa: I’m attracted to a man who lives in my apartment building and rents from me. We’ve been dating and I think I’ve fallen in love with him. I really want us to only date each other. But he says he can’t do that. He gets bored when he’s with one woman too long. He says he needs to always be dating lots of women. This is so hard on me. Is there anything I can do to change this and to make him see how great I really am for him?
Bella: Men like this are “charmers” of life.
Women do anything to be with them because men like this know just what to say and do to keep women coming back.
I will tell you that men are pretty good at saying what they want and need, just as this man did when he told you how he wants to date other women. I know you’d like to see him exclusively but this is not the type of man capable of giving you what you want.
If you just want to have fun, he’s a great guy to date. But if you are looking to be the only one in his life, it’s not going to happen.
Get yourself out there and find other men to date.There are really great men out there — you’re probably passing over because you compare them to this guy.
They might seem boring but they will be the ones who will ultimately love and cherish you.
One last thing: You can’t change this man. Only he can if he wants to. Either accept him how he is or it’s time to consider moving on.
Lisa: I was married for 36 years to a wonderful man who passed away. Since then, I’ve had a couple of not-so-great relationships. It seems I’m not attracting the right guys.
When I look back, they’ve all given me clues to who they were but for some reason, I don’t recognize the warning signs.
I feel like I lead with my heart, seeing only the good, instead of with my head, where the good and the not so good might be more visible.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? Are there questions I can ask him that would help me?
Cathy: You are wearing rose-colored glasses.
This is why you get hurt. You become exclusive quickly because you’re happy, you fell in love and then boom, — suddently his real self shows up.
It probably feels like red flags that were always there just jumped out of nowhere.
What is happening beneath those rose-colored glasses is you are painting a picture of the man you want versus being able to see the real him.
There are no specific questions you can ask to figure this out ahead of time. What you can do is listen to what men are telling you when you’re with them.
Then after your date, go home and write down what you heard. This will give you the black and white clues to who he is.
Ultimately, you want to wear what I refer to as the crystal-blue colored glasses. This is when you see a man for the good and the not-so good.
You’re then able to choose whether he’s right for you based on what you’ve seen and what he tells you, not on the pretty picture you’ve created in your mind.