To find the right kind of guy, focus first on your self-worth

Lisa Copeland /

Published Nov 15, 2013 at 04:00AM

Dear Lisa: I would love to find a man who truly loves me and doesn’t want me just for sex, cooking, cleaning or because he’s broke and needs someone to help him out. How do I find a man like this?

— Linda

Dear Linda: If you were one of my private clients, the first question I’d ask you is: Do you love yourself? And second: How do you love yourself?

Attraction begins with where you are in your own life. Our outside world is always a mirror to what’s going on inside you.

So do you feel you’re only worthy of love from a man if you give and give and give to keep him?

If that’s the case. You’re giving to get love.

Over-giving is a masculine trait. Receiving is a feminine one.

When you allow a man to give to you, it means you feel worthy of receiving his love with no strings attached.

Take some time to rediscover how wonderful you are.

As you do this, watch how this shifts the types of men you start attracting.

Dear Lisa: My problem is it seems men only want skinny women. I’m a size 18. How do I find a man who loves me no matter what size I am?

— Lydia

Dear Lydia: No matter what your size is, the main quality a man is attracted to is the inner glow created from how good you feel about you.

Yes, there will be men, especially online, who are turned off by larger women.

But there will be plenty of GOOD MEN online who are fine with your body and will think you’re HOT.

Men who will love you and want to get to know you exactly how you are. Those will be the men worth dating.

So many women fight this — only wanting to date the cutest guy on the site. That’s not being dating smart.

Just like you want a man to see more than who you are in a picture, you’ll want to do the same for him.

So if a bald guy tells you you’re beautiful in an email, spend some time getting to know him.

See if he has the qualities you desire in a man. See if there are ways you’re compatible.

He may be a great man — he’s just showing up in a different package than you expected.

If you like him and continue seeing him, as you bond he could become the new George Clooney in your eyes.

Dear Lisa: I’ve been going out with Dennis for about six months. We have a good physical relationship so I’m starting to wonder whether he truly cares about me or is just seeing me for sex. How can I find out what he’s thinking and where our relationship is going?

— Susan

Dear Susan: The first thing you’ll want to do is check in with yourself about the type of relationship you want with Dennis.

Once you have a clear vision of what this is, go and ask him what his thoughts are.

A good way to do this is by letting him know you’re enjoying the time the two of you spend together. But at this point, you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable with not knowing where you fit in his life.

Next you can ask him what his thoughts are about your relationship.

Be prepared: Even though you might want more, he might not.

Men tell you the truth about where they stand. You can’t change this in him.

So if he tells you he doesn’t want the relationship to go to the next step, but you do, you’ll need to consider whether keeping the relationship exactly how it is will be enough for you.

If it isn’t, it’s time to find a different man who will share the same relationship vision as you.

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