On one hand, there are joys, fun and the chance to experience an utterly unique and extraordinarily powerful love.

On the other hand, there are sleepless nights, financial burdens and the knowledge that your needs don’t come first anymore.

Deciding whether to start a family is definitely one of life’s big questions, and one that for many people doesn’t come with a clear answer. Even couples who know they want children can struggle to decide when the time is right.

The idea of having kids can be daunting. It is a tough, messy and stressful job that people may not feel ready to tackle. But if you wait too long, the possibility of having children slips away. Waiting means increased risks of infertility, miscarriage and more.

Many people are choosing to wait longer before starting a family. In 2005, more than 25 percent of first-time moms in Oregon were 30 or older, compared with 9 percent of first-time moms in 1980, according to the Oregon Center for Health Statistics.

Starting a family at an older age can mean greater financial security, increased patience and a feeling of stability. On the other hand, starting a family at a younger age can also bring certain advantages including more energy and the ability for parents to spend their 50s and 60s traveling sans children.

Deciding whether to have kids and also when to have them are big decisions, maybe some of life’s biggest. Helping people decide Not everyone knows whether they want to have children. For about 20 years, Ann Davidman has worked with individuals struggling with that question. The Bay Area marriage and family therapist sees mostly women who range in age from early 20s to early 50s. Her practice is one of the few in the country to focus exclusively on this particular issue.

She believes that more and more people are feeling ambivalent about having children, but her clients come to her because they feel uncomfortable bringing up this issue with friends and family.

“It isn’t a dinner conversation. There’s so much judgment,” said Davidman. “It’s really hard to say, ‘I don’t know what I want.’”

In her therapy sessions, Davidman asks probing questions, trying to get to the root of the issues. Some people, she says, get caught in indecision because of “unresolved issues in childhood.”

By the end of her work, Davidman hopes people understand what they want to do in their heart and also what they plan to do in reality, two decisions that she says are not always aligned. Some women, she says, come to the determination that inside, they really do want to be mothers, but practically, they know they are not going to be able to do that. Coming to that conclusion, Davidman says, helps people feel more comfortable with their choices and the future.

When people come to Davidman thinking they want to be parents, but unsure of when they want to start, she says, just asking the questions and probing the answers “helps them get ready” as they tease out internal issues.

Davidman says the external issues like finances and support from family and friends are important, but internal issues such as anger, childhood resentment and stress can be just as, if not more, important.

Kim Kenney writes a regular column about choosing to be married and kid-free on the Bella Online Web site. She says deciding whether to have children is “the most important decision of your life.” She argues that people should be 100 percent certain prior to having children because no child deserves to have a parent who didn’t fully want them. She writes, “Will you regret not having kids someday, when it is too late? Maybe. But isn’t it better to regret NOT having kids than to regret HAVING them?” A late start Jan Anderson, founder of the Web site Mothers Over 40, says people shouldn’t make assumptions about older parents.

“Many couples simply cannot afford to have children when they are younger. In some situations, having children at a later age is not a conscious choice. Some people simply don’t meet the right partner until thy are in their late 30s, early 40s or older, and others may well have been trying for a baby for years, but have suffered from fertility problems,” said Anderson.

She believes she is now more settled in her life professionally, financially and emotionally than she was in her 20s and therefore, is a better mother.

For many people, the most elemental reason to put off having a baby can be because they haven’t found a husband or wife.

Bend resident Sheryl Timm always knew she wanted to have children. Problem was, she didn’t find the right guy until she was 31. Sheryl was 33 when she married Brian. They both wanted to start a family, and she was conscious of the fact that waiting to start would mean increased risks of having a child with Down syndrome and other issues. But they also wanted some time together as a couple. They ended up taking a long trip to Scandinavia. After getting married, Timm says she knew if they waited until after they had kids, they might have lost the opportunity to travel.

When they returned from Europe, Timm discovered she was pregnant. Since then, the couple has had another child.

“It’s amazing it worked out the way it did,” she said.

Now 41, Timm definitely feels that she is older than most moms.

“People are shocked that I’m so old,” said Timm.

In many ways, she says she is glad that she waited.

“When I was in my 20s, everything was all about me,” said Timm. “I was very self-centered.”

She also thinks her children benefited from her decision to become a teacher in her mid-20s. The career choice taught Timm a lot about discipline and age-appropriate behavior.

“I don’t feel like I missed out on anything,” said Timm. “For the most part I feel like I did what I wanted to do.”

Because of that, she says, it is easy for her to make sacrifices for her children. Timm also says waiting for the right partner to come along was crucial.

“It took us a long time to find each other. It was way more important than I ever realized,” said Timm.

Benefits and complications

Timm is not alone in her decision to start a family later in life. The birth rate for women in their 30s and 40s has soared in recent years. Part of that increase is due to advances in medical technology and fertility treatments.

Diana Dell, an assistant clinical professor in obstetrics, gynecology and psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center, co-authored with Susan Erem the book “Do I Want to Be a Mom? A Woman’s Guide to the Decision of a Lifetime.” Dell suggests women examine several factors before making the decision to become an older mother, including their health, the age and health of their parents and their energy levels.

Waiting is more than just about emotions; it is also about the physical body.

Timm knows she was lucky and that not everyone is able to have children on the first try. Not all of Timm’s friends have been able to conceive easily.

“You can wait too long,” said Timm. “It will never be the perfect situation.”

According to the Mayo Clinic, a women in her mid-30s can take longer to get pregnant because of reduced fertility. At that age, women also face an increased risk of miscarriage and Caesarean section. The risk of having a child with Down syndrome also increases greatly, from 1 in 1,000 for women age 30 to 1 in 100 by age 40. Starting early “I don’t think anyone is ever ready,” said Erin Jackson. The Bend mom is 26 and has three children ages 7, 4 and 4 months.

“There’s always something that comes up,” said Jackson.

Another local mom, Maci Herbert, chose to start a family at a young age because her mother was sick. Herbert wanted her mom to get the chance to meet her grandchild. Although Herbert was still pregnant when her mother died, she doesn’t regret the decision to try.

Jackson also doesn’t regret being a young mom, but she is conscious of it all the time. People often ask her if she’s the baby sitter, she says, and older moms don’t often want to talk to her.

“I’m always the youngest,” said Jackson.

Being so young can make Jackson feel judged and looked down upon, but she says it also has its perks. Being young means she has energy and the ability to stay active with her kids. She also feels that she can stay up-to-date with computers and the entertainment her children are interested in. Having fun, she says, is extremely important.

“I don’t regret it at all. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything,” said Jackson.

Having a stable home and a stable marriage, she says, are the most important things to have in place before starting a family. Finances, she says, aren’t as important.

“I’m just as good of a mother as a 40-year-old,” said Jackson.