One on one
Spending quality time can help strengthen parent-child bond
By Alandra Johnson / The Bulletin
Published: November 06. 2009 4:00AM PST
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Redmond mom Tracy Stephens thinks she has her priorities straight. Sure, her house isn't always the cleanest. But somehow she always finds a way to spend quality time with each of her middle school-aged sons. Alone.
That last part can be tricky, but Stephens manages to steal a few minutes here and there — driving one son to the store, making salsa with another. She sees alone time with her sons Taylor and Jason as “imperative.”
“This is the time you build so many of those trust links that you hope will keep them on positive paths as they get older,” she said.
When she is alone with one of her sons, she feels them enter a relaxed state, with barriers down. “I feel like it builds a trust between us.”
So Stephens, who works full time, makes alone time a priority. “They are not going to remember buying a bigger house; they will remember the little things we've done.”
Many child development experts believe one-on-one time with kids is crucial.
Jan Drucker, a professor of psychology at Sarah Lawrence College in New York, works with many parents. They often say finding time to spend alone with a child is difficult, but “it seems to make a huge difference.”
“A very short time with each kid alone can go a long way,” said Drucker.
Benefits
Alone time between a parent and a child — without other siblings, peers or another parent — can help the parent and child connect. Devoted, dedicated attention is the reason this works. Kids feel they are “being seen and being heard” by their parent, says Drucker.
This idea applies to children of all ages.
Spending time with the entire family — though important — is not the same, according to Drucker. She says kids can feel an adult's attention divide. Parents may naturally want to spend their time together as a whole family; splitting up may not seem like a good idea. But Drucker thinks it is worth it to give up an hour of together time.
Jacqueline Wilkins, an assistant professor of child and family studies with Ashland University in Ohio, says alone time helps children develop a sense of security and trust with their parents. It also helps build confidence and self-esteem and increases cognitive, social and emotional well-being. Wilkins says one-on-one time can help reinforce a child's attachment to his or her parent.
Parents also benefit, receiving the same feeling of connection. Drucker says it's a feeling of relating to this specific child versus relating to “the kids.” Wilkins says alone time helps parents understand and appreciate each child's unique personality and likes and dislikes.
What to do
Parents have to initiate alone time, according to Drucker, because “kids have no way of setting up situations.”
Redmond dad Dave Williams started a special ritual with his two daughters last year. Each year he takes one girl on a trip with him. Sequoia, 8, traveled to Alaska with Williams last year. This year, he took Aurora, 6, to Minnesota. While he is traveling with one daughter, the other girl spends time with her mom, Tamantha. “It's special time for each of us,” said Williams.
He believes he learns more about his daughters during this time because they spend all of their time together. “I get to see the whole person. I really see how they are growing up.” He likes seeing how they handle different situations and some of the hard work of travel (getting up early, packing, etc.).
“They act so grown up and excited when we do it. They are always on best behavior.”
Travel isn't an option for every family. Going out to eat is another good activity, because the parent and child sit next to each other. Drucker suggests parents ask their children what they are interested in doing. “You don't want to start fighting about what to do.”
It should be something parents enjoy or can at least tolerate. “It should never be something you don't like to do,” said Drucker, because the children will be able to tell.
The activity should also not be so busy or involved that parents and kids can't chat. So, going to a movie is fine, but only if you take time to get a slice of pizza together afterward.
Great rewards
Everyday activities are also important. Wilkins believes as little as 10 to 15 minutes a day can “reap great rewards.” She think it is key for parents to also try to spend longer time with each child when they can, such as playing a game, participating in a hobby together or going on a walk.
Driving can be a great way to connect, but only if parents and kids aren't “plugged into anything” says Drucker. Sometimes parents think of quality time as time spent looking each other eye to eye, but Drucker says sitting side by side can actually be better and foster more openness. The talk can seem incidental and more casual.
Running errands can be a great time to take one child and leave the other one, says Drucker. “I don't think it's so much what you do.” It's about dedicated attention. Tucking the children in at night and reading a story is good, or talking for five minutes each morning over a bowl of cereal.
In addition to big occasional events like travel, Williams and his wife also make an effort to do one-on-one things with their daughters on a day-to-day basis. For instance, he always takes Aurora grocery shopping with him. “It's good to have a buddy.” Williams sees these times as important, “especially for dads.” Whereas his wife is a stay-at-home mom who spends a lot of time with the children, Williams feels he needs to make an extra effort. “I really need to spend that time to get to know them.”
If parents feel they do not have any time in their day to add a new activity, Drucker suggests taking a look at what they already do. It is possible to take existing tasks and tweak them to allow for alone time. Maybe it means restricting iPods or video game players in the car; maybe it means taking both children to a violin lesson and while one plays, the other can sit in the car and read with Mom. It's about “finding time when you are already doing it, or times when you could be doing it,” said Drucker.
Wilkins offers a few activities that parents should avoid. This includes homework, which she says is a good activity to do one-on-one, but shouldn't replace a fun activity. Other activities to avoid are ones that involve pressure, such as:
• Extra soccer practice because they didn't play well during the last game.
• Something the parent enjoys, but the child does not.
• An activity during which the parent and child are in the same room, but doing different things (mom is watching TV, while the child is on the computer).
Wilkins also recommends parents avoid answering calls during one-on-one time.
Good times
Sometimes older children may say they don't want one-on-one time, says Drucker. But once they do it, they like it. Spending alone quality time with tweens and teenagers can be crucial, as it could offer a good time for kids to talk about problems and issues.
“It's just as important, if not more so,” said Drucker.
Wilkins agrees, saying, “Most parents spend a great deal of one-on-one time with infants and toddlers but may experience competing demands as children get older and time at home or under the direct supervision of parents is less.”
The key is once parents get their teen alone, they cannot grill them. Drucker says conversations do not have to be “intimate or earth shaking” to be important.
Stephens sees spending time with her boys as a way to “keep them directed on a positive path.”
According to Wilkins, parents may also want to think about spending alone time with a child when:
• A new sibling arrives.
• If another sibling is an “attention zapper.”
• Children start spending more time away from home with peers.
• Teens become a bit disconnected from family life.
• Parents' schedule demands increase.
• A life change occurs such as moving or divorce.
Alandra Johnson can be reached at 541-617-7860 or at ajohnson@bendbulletin.com.
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