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With the economy strained, some young adults are returning to the nest — and making home life complicated
By Alandra Johnson / The Bulletin
Published: July 10. 2009 4:00AM PST
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Agreeing to let her 23-year-old son move back home wasn’t an easy choice for Bend mom Lee Husk.
Casey hadn’t lived at home for a couple of years, but he was ready for a change after serving in the military.
Her son has always been charming, bright, funny and engaging, but during his teenage years, he was also unpredictable.
Husk always thought “when they leave home, they leave home.” But she was convinced her son would do well at home when he told her he was ready to get help for his attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and go to college.
“For him, he was back in a place where he could thrive.” Now, she says, he can stay as long as he needs to.
Husk found a family coach, Sarah Persha, for her son, who helped teach him study habits and establish a plan for him.
“Now, he’s really great to have at home. He turned a corner,” said Husk.
Before he was allowed to move home, the family established some rules for him. He needed a job, he needed to get A’s and B’s in school or they would require Casey to pay them back for the tuition, and he needed to agree to some basic household guidelines.
“You need to pay your way, you need to pay your dues; this is not a free ride,” Husk said.
Many families are finding themselves in situations similar to the Husks as more young adults are moving back in with their parents. For some, it is a way to restart their lives; for others it is a financial necessity due to poor economic conditions.
Whatever the reason, figuring out how to live together and how to re-establish a relationship can be tricky for parents and young adults alike.
Trend and economy
For the past five to seven years, more young adults are living with their parents, according to Nicholas Aretakis, author of “No More Ramen: The 20-Something’s Real World Survival Guide.” In past generations, it was expected that once you graduated from college, you were on your own. In recent years, he says, young adults have become accustomed to a standard of living that can only be maintained by living with their parents.
Now the situation has changed as this is the “worst job market new graduates have faced in decades,” Aretakis said.
“There’s nothing wrong with two generations living together,” said Ken Kaye, author of “Trust Me: Helping Our Young Adults Financially.”
In many cultures this is the norm. But in modern American society, each generation is expected to have its own place. But certain realities are making that situation difficult.
College is increasingly expensive and many students rack up tremendous debt while in school. The economy makes the situation “absolutely impossible,” Kaye said. In 2004, 14 million households in America had adult children living at home, according to Kaye.
Persha says the economy is having a huge impact on families and young adults, forcing them to redefine their plans for future employment. She knows many students who finished their degrees and cannot find jobs but still have student loans to pay. “That one’s a mess,” Persha said. Moving back home can feel like a failure to these students. “Their self-esteem is in the toilet.”
Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services in California, says living together is often difficult for both sides. The young adults don’t want to be treated as children, while the parents want their kids to contribute and be respectful.
Basics like being too noisy, never putting gas in the car or leaving wet towels on the floor, can make situations tense.
The biggest issue Caine sees is unrealistic expectations on both fronts.
Christina Newberry founded the Web site www.adultchildren livingathome.com after her own experience moving back in with her parents.
She says most young adults end up at home because they cannot find jobs, or their time at school is over, or a relationship ends.
She says this throws them out of their comfort zones and they need some extra support for a while.
Failure to launch
“An 18-year-old today doesn’t have the maturity of an 18-year-old 20 years ago,” said Persha, who works with many young adults in transition in Central Oregon.
She says many young people today lack what she calls executive-functioning skills. These include the ability to self-regulate, manage time and set future goals.
“A lot of kids today don’t have self-regulation.” She says many young adults don’t have driver’s licenses and don’t want to get them.
“It’s too much. They don’t want to handle it.”
She believes children need to struggle and get through the struggle on their own. These kids come from loving homes but don’t feel competent because they haven’t had to learn for themselves.
Many of the people she works with are 22 or 25 or older and returned to the family home after they were done adventuring. She says many parents were enjoying peace and quiet. The parents feel resentment and anger and the kids pick up on those vibes and feel resentful as well, says Persha.
The families she works with cover a range of economic backgrounds.
“A sense of entitlement is really easy to get today even if you don’t have any money,” said Persha.
Ellen Gibran-Hesse, author of “Failure to Launch: How to Get Your Teens and Young Adults to Independence,” says many young adults have developed dependency relationships on their parents and the older they get, the harder that is to change.
“It’s not going to fix itself,” she said.
Sometimes the young adults are moving home after a failed attempt at college.
“There’s a lot of thrown-away money right now on college,” said Persha. She sees many students who go and fail and then “don’t know how to recover themselves.”
They don’t have a plan and parents sometimes think the kids will just figure it out on their own, but Persha says this rarely works.
Caine encounters many parents who are grieving because their children did not finish college. While the kids may feel some relief to move away from something that didn’t fit, the parents are sad and upset.
“Parents, to be honest, are sometimes humiliated.” Parents feel ripped off and embarrassed. She likes to remind families that time will change the situation.
“This is how it is now; it will not be like this forever.”
Problem-shooting
Kaye says parents and young adults need to try to put their relationship onto an adult level. This can be very tricky. Parents will bail their children out of trouble and then nag them. This creates a relationship of a grown-up and a child.
“It’s hard because we want to help our children. We often confuse helping with giving,” said Kaye.
One way to get out of this trap is to be clear about expectations, says Kaye. This includes specifics about chores, noise level and financial obligations.
Kaye thinks parents should avoid trying to restrict who their children date or how long they grow their hair or other rules that will seem unrealistic and unreasonable.
Another way to shift the dynamic that works for some families is to have the adult child switch rooms rather than going back to his or her old bedroom.
Parents need to serve as coaches or mentors, according to Gibran-Hesse. Many of the parents she works with nag their children, which isn’t helpful. “You’re the coach; you’ve got to inspire them. Nagging just doesn’t do it.”
Kaye says it might make sense for parents to help their children pay off credit cards if they can afford to do so, but children need to understand “it’s not a blank check.”
Parents need to understand their relationship with their children isn’t going to be perfect, according to Caine.
“You’re going to blow it. You’re going to say mean things to each other.”
Just remember, this is normal.
Newberry suggest parents and young adults create a contract that details responsibilities and expectations. It should cover rent, chores, use of the car, TV and schedules. Can the young adult bring dates back to the house? Should the young adult text their parents to let them know where they are at night or how long they will be gone?
Parents and kids should clear about these areas before they become problems.
Persha believes young adults need to agree to be out of the house until 10 p.m. one night of the week to give their parents privacy.
Newberry also suggest parents and kids set up certain milestones, so they don’t feel as if they are in a holding pattern.
Given the economy, families may be less able to set firm deadlines of when the child should move out, but they can try to ensure the child is making progress toward goals.
Get a job?
Persha believes some young adults may be better off volunteering for something they are passionate about rather than getting a job just to make cash.
In the right volunteer situation, the student becomes like an apprentice and learns to respect the older person who is teaching them skills, and this may not be the case in a low-level job.
Even if young adults cannot get a job in their field of choice, they can still try to build a portfolio and résumé. She doesn’t think it’s helpful for parents to say, “Of course you can get a job. I did.”
Gibran-Hesse, however, believes young adults need to have a job. “You need to take whatever you can get and volunteer in your field.” That said, she thinks parents can hand-hold them through the process. “Parents expect schools are handing this, but they are not helping with job skills.” She has helped write résumés, prep for interviews and more.
In the past, the basic rule was the parents should not help children looking for a job, according to Caine. But now that has changed dramatically.
Caine thinks parents should ask themselves: Do you think you’re crippling him by helping him? If the answer is no, then help.
Parents and young adults can use this time together in a positive way to build their relationship, says Gibran-Hesse.
Newberry thinks it’s important to remember these situations can be very beneficial and lifesaving to young adults who need help.
They can take time to look for meaningful work or to pay off debt or regroup.
For parents, this arrangement can offer time to spend with their children.
Husk enjoys her time with her son in a way she wasn’t able to when he was a teenager.
“It’s a joy to have them come back as young adults,” said Husk. “You might find the joy of that is a lot bigger the second time around.”
She says they have a lot more fun now.
Alandra Johnson can be reached at 541-617-7860 or at ajohnson@bendbulletin.com.
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